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Strange Little Bird
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Last Trip Home

This morning my cube mate wasn’t at work. She was getting on a plane to go home to see her father one last time.

I thought of her and shed a tear for her.

I wish no one ever had to watch someone they love die.

2537 days ago
Squawk back
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Things I'm already sick of hearing

1.) “Sarah Palin did a great job with the debate – she didn’t fall on her face.”

I don’t believe managing to not crash and burn is a measure of excellence. Her performance was acceptable – free of major blunders, but certainly not outstanding. If people didn’t have an expectation for her to perform poorly, they would realize that she didn’t do well – she just did okay.

2.) “Joe Biden and Barack Obama think they’re better than us – they use too big words. I like Sarah Palin because she’s more like me.”

Fail. That very logic is faulty. I KNOW I am not qualified to lead this country – I want someone who is FAR more intelligent in charge. Why is intelligence suddenly a turn-off? Do we want blithering idiots in command??

3.)I’m also sick of people who are utterly uninformed about the election spouting off one flimsy reason for why they’re voting the way they are. I honestly have a co-worker who hates McCain (she wanted Huckabee on the ticket), but she’s very vocal that she’s voting for McCain/Palin “because Sarah Palin kept her special needs baby.” If you believe that she did the right thing, that is a reason to have personal respect for her action in that particular situation, not a reason to vote for an entire ticket you either don’t know anything about or don’t agree with.

I just wish people would think.

I heard a comment last that someone made about how scary it is that Biden and Obama both have very nice, white teeth. It was really hard for me to avoid pointing out that Biden probably didn’t order his dentures pre-stained. And suddenly having white teeth is disturbing to this person even though Palin is standing on the other side doing her pageant wave and winking at the camera?

I don’t care who you vote for, as long as you have educated yourself about ALL the options. If you’re going to go vote for one stupid reason, like Obama is black, Palin is a woman, McCain is old, or Biden’s dentures are too white, please stay home on election day.

2915 days ago
Squawk back
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Even though you may not think so.

I have a right to my opinion.

Even though you may not agree.

You have a right to disagree with me.

You have the right to say whatever you want to me.

Maybe you feel the need to “educate” me and point out the folly of my opinion. Maybe you feel like ridiculing me in public might make me change my mind and believe the same as you.

But if you thought about it for a few seconds, you’d realize that politics are not a good reason to hurt someone you care about. None of us are so well-loved that we can afford to throw away the people who do love us.

*****

That being said, I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed because this morning I found an article about the election that I wanted to post to Twitter, but I did not simply because I didn’t feel like dealing with all the hate from some of you who do not agree with me. I’m weak. You win. Whatever makes you happy.

I hate elections years because they inevitably bring up rifts between people who would otherwise co-exist harmoniously. I love election years because they enable us all to tell people they’re really not important to us, at least not as important as being right.

2936 days ago
Squawk back
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More of a Man

Yesterday I went to Lowe’s. I went to the lawn care section with a big cart, I picked up an old school reel mower, and put it in my cart without help.

This afternoon I pulled it out of my car and into the yard, got a 10mm wrench out of my husband’s toolbox, and put the mower together by myself. Then I mowed the yard.

The neighbor boys laughed at me. I just smiled and waved – it was pretty funny. I was wearing a goofy hat and I had gotten the mower stuck in the gate.

The yard looks like a six-year-old with a Fisher Price bubble mower got to it.

Even my husband laughed as he noted a few spots I missed.

But I don’t care. Mowing the yard, however haphazardly I did it, is a victory for me. I’ve never done it before. I’ve never had to.

So today I did something that my lazy sack of crap excuse for a father never did in the entire 21 years I knew him. He said he was allergic to grass. Right. He wasn’t. He was just a lazy asshole. No matter how poor we ever were, he always found the money for lottery tickets, cable television, steak, and lawn care, among other frivolous things.

My mom would be proud of me. I wish I could tell her I mowed the yard.

3073 days ago
Squawk back
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MOVE!!!

Why I chose to venture into the post office this afternoon at around 5:00 pm, I’ll never know. It was not my most brilliant idea.

I made a beeline for the APC, and was a little surprised to see a line of six people waiting to use it. A line?? At the APC? Really???

I’ve only encountered a line at the APC once before, and it was caused by a guy who, with the assistance of one of the lovely Post Office Harpies, was trying to mail a package to someone whose address he did not know AT ALL.

Harpy: What’s the zip code?

Clueless guy: Huh?

Harpy: Um, where do they live?

Guy: I don’t know…kind of near a McDonald’s…

Harpy: [sigh] Sir, please get the address and then come back. Good bye.

I’m not making that up.

My visit to the post office today was even more frustrating, however.

The line was caused by a guy and his little boy, who was maybe 5 or 6 years old.

The guy was trying to let his son punch the buttons on the APC for him.

Guy: Okay, Timmy, press ‘no.’ Not ‘yes’ — press ‘no.’ Okay, good, now press ‘yes.’ Press it harder, try again. Okay, now we have to put in the zip code. Press seven, nine, no, that’s not nine, that’s six, okay, press clear, no, clear is this one, okay, let’s try again, press seven, then press nine, no, no, you pressed six again, so let’s press clear and try again…

Me: Seriously???

Lady in front of me: Sonofabitch…

Guy: You’re doing so good! Okay, now we have seven, nine, so next press two, no, that was one, so let’s press clear…

At that point I figured we might all die waiting for this idiot to figure out that it’s NOT okay to inflict your small child on other innocent people, so I went to wait in line at the counter for the next available harpy. By the time I got my package mailed and walked back by the APC, Genius Junior had finally gotten the zip code correct and Genius Senior was handing him a credit card to stick in the machine, no doubt backwards or upside down.

I don’t hate kids. I do, however, get really irritable when people think it’s okay to make everyone else deal with THEIR kid.

Like this woman I saw in Target a few days ago – she was standing there in the produce section, apparently reading the label on a jar of fancy salad dressing, while her rotten son (who was old enough to know how to act) poked holes in all the melon slices with his grubby fingers and threw grapes in the floor. Why should all the other shoppers have to pay for her lack of parenting skills?? I had actually planned on buying a watermelon quarter! I almost picked a fight with her. People who can’t make their kids act properly should have the sense to leave them at home. If I had acted that way when I was a kid, my mother would have taken me to the restroom for a good ol’ fashioned ass-beating. She raised me right!

You think I’m a monster, don’t you? You think no one should ever spank or otherwise discipline their kids. I’m sick and tired of people using that as an excuse to let their kids run amuck while they stand idly by and say crap like, “Isn’t he so full of life?” Hate me if you want – I’m entitled to my opinion just as much as you are entitled to yours.

[Climbs down from soapbox]

3079 days ago
Squawk back
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Garden 2.0

So last year I tried my hand at a vegetable garden. I got 5 enormous yellow squash, 3 mutant cucumbers, and a few laughable radishes out of the deal.

This year I’d like to introduce you to my improved microgarden. Among other things, I’m trying to grow corn, tomatoes, peppers, and the old stand-by squash. Keep your fingers crossed – the odds are stacked against me: between starving bunnies, fire ants, psychotic Texas weather, my unfortunate habit of forgetting to water, and my idiot plant munching dogs, my little garden hardly stands a chance.

Check it out here:
http://tinyurl.com/2n8uww

3100 days ago
Squawk back
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Things that should be accomplished today:

Tame the laundry heap.

Steam the rug (I think someone had an accident on it).

Clean up my craft table.

Send a card to my sweet little fake grandpa.

Make some earrings.

Write a paper from my RTVF class.

Work on “inbox zero.”

Fix up my Flickr account a little more.

Odds of all these things being accomplished:

Not good.

3100 days ago
Squawk back
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Dear Post Office,

Over the course of your history, you have developed a bad rap. Everyone likes to bitch about you.

And it’s all your fault.

People aren’t just being petty. You really do suck beyond all reason.

I do realize you are all bitter government employees, and you feel that you are so mistreated that you are somehow completely justified in being complete assholes, however, I feel that I should inform you that many of us civilians also hate our jobs, but we manage to maintain at least a basic level of customer service most of the time.

Several weeks ago, my husband and I went to collect a package at the “ring bell for service” window. We could see you lurking back there through the crack in the door, and as such, we could see you gesturing to each other to be quiet and ignore the service bell. We could also see and hear you attempting to tippy toe around imperceptibly. You failed. So when my husband continued to ring the bell with growing impatience, and finally yelled, “I KNOW YOU’RE BACK THERE AND I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I GET MY PACKAGE,” you realized you had been bested and begrudgingly came to the window, with the half-assed excuse that you “were coming” all along.”

Right.

And day before yesterday you reaffirmed your worthlessness when I came in to mail a package to Canada at 4:57pm and was rudely and loudly informed that you were closed.

“Sorrywe’reclosed!!!! Use the APC.”

“It’s not 5:00 yet.”

“We’re closed. Sorry.”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry, because you’re not.”

“Use the APC.”

“I would if this wasn’t going to Canada.”

“We’re closed.”

“And you’re sorry. Right. Whatever.”

So in closing, dear post office, I hate you. You are worthless to me.

XOXO,

SLB

3111 days ago
Squawk back
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If Ever a Movie Should Come With Prozac

Don’t go see I Am Legend. I don’t care if you think it looks cool, or if you think Will Smith is hot, or if you’re just that bored. Don’t do it. You don’t have enough anti-depressants to see that shit.

Think about all the bad parts of Castaway, The Mummy, and Old Yeller.

Spoiler Alert:

Man and dog are all alone in the world. Enter rabid mummies. Dog is infected – man must kill dog. Mummies kill man. The End.

Did I mention it sucked?

3201 days ago
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Doomed

Not that I had much to begin with, but if Light of Doom wins The Next Great American Band, I will have officially lost ALL faith in reality TV.

Okay, so I have t-shirts older than they are. Fricking t-shirts. And they’re way too preppy to pull off their name or their act. Seriously, folks, read their bio. They were stuck together by their studio teacher. Yes, studio teacher. Bloody hell…

Oh, and I’m pretty sure their drummer is a girl. One of them brought along his little sister because their teacher couldn’t find a boy drummer with the proper hair.

I’m still bitter that Rocket got kicked off before those little prepubescent hair balls. I didn’t like Rocket, because they sucked and had no originality, but at least they weren’t 12.

Vote for Dot Dot Dot. Or Sixwire. Or anyone other than Light of Doom. Whatever.

3237 days ago

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