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Strange Little Bird: Seven for No Mankind...
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Seven for No Mankind...

It came to my attention recently that Seven for All Mankind jeans come in limited sizes. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but their women’s sizes stop at 32 (inches).

I would bet that there are countless beautiful teenage girls in this country who have had their self-esteem leveled by SFAM jeans. In a society where one’s worth is based on looks and possessions, I can see where girls who are just normal, rather than tiny and stick-like, might toss up their dinners, eat laxitives, and run until they fall down and bleed just to be able to fit into a 32. A waist bigger than 32 does not constitute “lard ass.”

I’m not ranting about this for personal reasons. Although it would be painful, I could, if I suddenly became insane, mash my 33 inch waist into a pair of 32’s. It’s likely that one or both of my ovaries would shoot out my eye sockets if I were to sneeze, but it could be done. Which brings me to my next point:

Muffin tops. You know! The fat that squishes out on the back and sides of the wearer just above the two-sizes-too-small waist band because it has no where else to go. Rarely did I see girls walking through the mall wearing pants so tight that they cannot sit down before SFAM came on the market. Damn, just buy pants that fit.

And finally, consider the origin of the name. I read that it is derived from the statistic that the average American owns seven pairs of jeans at any given time. I currently own six, and their total price does not quite add up to the price of one pair of SFAM. Seriously. Mine are normal jeans (Levi, mostly), and normal jeans just don’t cost $200 a pair. Really.

So, in closing, I’ll stick with my jeans that fit and don’t cost as much as an iPod. And I’ll smirk at your muffin tops.

Sunday February 18, 2007
 

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